Difficult Relationships & Grief
Today I’d like to talk about one of the things we don’t often talk about: grief and difficult relationships. As much as we talk about telling the truth of our sadness and pain, sometimes telling the truth about grief also means saying things like this:
“I don’t actually miss him.”
“I feel free in a way that I haven’t in years.”
“Everyone loves her and talks about how great she was, but she constantly hurt me. I’m not sorry that she’s gone from my life.”
“We were estranged for a long time. I always thought we would reconnect someday. Now it’s too late.”
When we experience the death of someone who made our lives difficult, we rarely feel the freedom to tell the truth about how we feel once they’re gone. Our grieving process can become extra lonely and silent as we fumble our way through how to respond to comments like, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” “You must be heartbroken,” and “I remember her so fondly.”
This can feel extra complicated when others have experienced the person differently than you did in life, or when their death suddenly inspires an idealized version of them that simply isn’t true. What is one to do when the person who consistently mistreated you is suddenly viewed through rose-colored glasses? And where does the truth go if you don’t feel free to say, “He hurt me over and over again, and I’m relieved to be free of that pain?”
When relationships are complicated, the grief that follows can also be complicated. While there are no simple paths to coping with the messiness of grief, here are a few things to keep in mind when you are grieving someone with whom you had a difficult relationship:
Remember that you are still grieving, and you are entitled to your grief. You may be grieving parts of the person that died, the relationship that you never had, or the reconciliation that you hoped might come one day. Your grief is no less real because your relationship was difficult.
There is no such thing as a wrong feeling. Feelings are always right and always true. You are allowed to feel relieved, free, and even joyful following loss (this is true even if you had a close and healthy relationship with the person who’s died).
It’s okay to decide who does and doesn’t get the truth about how you feel. Sometimes it’s not worth your effort to try to paint a true picture. When someone says, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” it’s okay to say “thank you” and move on if that feels like a way to take care of yourself in the moment.
If you feel that you have unfinished business with the person who’s died, consider ways that you might tend to that. For instance, you might write a letter to the deceased person or do something that you didn’t feel free to do when they were alive.
Let your support people know how you’re feeling and how they can show up for you. It can be especially difficult for friends to know what to do or say when you’ve experienced the loss of a complicated relationship. In a perfect world, they’d know exactly what to say and do. In the real world, you may need to tell them what does and doesn’t feel helpful.
Find spaces where you can tell the truth. Telling the truth and having it witnessed is an essential part of healing. When the relationship was difficult, it can be even more important to have spaces where your truth can be witnessed without judgment. You deserve to share the full truth of your experience and to have that truth held with love and compassion.
If you’ve lost someone with whom you had a difficult relationship, I want you to know that there is a place for you here. If you’re looking for a space where you can finally tell the tangly truth of your loss, I encourage you to learn more about coaching and schedule a free consultation call. I’m here, ready to hear the fullness of your story and help you find a way forward.
