How Far You’ve Come
There’s a lot that’s hard about grief, and one of those things is knowing that grief stays with us forever.
In some ways, that knowledge is a comfort – it’s evidence that our love also stays with us forever. But on the flip side, the “foreverness” of grief can make the experience of it feel that much more overwhelming.
When it feels like grief is a heavy burden that I’ll never be able to bear, I sometimes take a moment to look back. I try to remember those first weeks and months after my sister died. It’s hard to explain the heaviness that cloaked me during that time, but I know that many of you know that feeling all too well.
I remember how hard it was to care about absolutely anything. I remember feeling sure that I would never know joy again. I remember forcing myself to eat, and being completely unable to sleep, and only sometimes remembering to shower. I remember long periods where I did nothing but sit on the couch and stare into the black hole that felt like my future.
I remember feeling acutely alone and withdrawing from my partner and friends. I remember looking at my children on Christmas morning and struggling to feel connected at all to their moments of joy and happiness. I remember worrying that I might never be a good mother again.
And though it feels painful to look back, it’s also a powerful reminder that while grief lasts forever, my relationship with it has not stayed the same.
Today I welcome joy when I can. Today I delight in an ice cream cone in the summer sun. Today I feel connected with my children, my partner, and my friends. Today I can see a future, even though it is one that is forever changed.
My pain will always be with me, but my life is slowly growing around it. And when it all feels like too much, looking back helps me see that while my grief is forever, my experience with it is not frozen in time.
Today, I’d like to invite you to reflect on your experience with grief since your loss. If you feel like you’re able to revisit those early times in your grief, take a moment to reflect on how you felt, how you behaved, and what your world was like. Can you notice what it was like then and what feels different now? Can you make note of what exactly has changed?
(Note: If you’re early in your experience with grief or don’t feel like you can see any changes, it may not be time for this, and that’s okay. Your grief will shift and change on its own timeline, and until it does, you don’t have to look back or look forward. Just take tender care of yourself, one moment at a time.)
When you find yourself stuck in the foreverness of your pain, remember that you may not be as stuck as you feel. Looking back can help you see how your relationship with grief has shifted and changed - and perhaps give you hope for what might be yet to come.
As always, take gentle care of yourself.
