The Paradox of Time in Grief
Grief showed up for me in unexpected ways (as it so often does) throughout the holiday season. Somehow Christmas and my sister’s death anniversary in December didn’t hit me as hard this year as they have in years past, but the transition into the new year left me in pieces.
It got me thinking a lot about the strange relationship that we have with time when we are grieving.
In the first year or so after my sister died, I longed for the days when the pain wouldn’t be so overwhelming and raw. I wanted to fast forward to a time when I could think of my sister without forgetting how to breathe or feeling crushed by the weight of loss.
Time doesn’t heal wounds, but it can soften them. And in many ways, time has. The moments of raw overwhelm are less than they were in those early months. In those ways, time has been a friend.
But there’s a flip side to the passage of time in grief, and I’m not sure we talk about that as much.
It’s the feeling that comes when the calendar flips to January 1 and you’re officially in another year that your person will never see.
It’s the way that time softens the pain, but it also softens your memory. It’s how details like the way a person smells or the sound of their voice or the feel of their hugs can become harder and harder to access.
It’s the relief of slowly finding a way forward after your loss, and also the worry that it means something when you do.
This is yet another place where we live in the “and,” as we’re so often asked to do in grief. We thank time for its gifts, and we struggle with what it means to feel the distance grow between today and the last time our person was here.
If you’re feeling the sadness of time marching forward and another year turning, that makes sense. If you’re feeling gratitude for having made it through 2023 and for the promise of a new year, that makes sense too. And if you’re feeling a little bit of all of that, I assure you that you are in good company.
As you turn the corner into another year, how can you honor what that means for your grief?
Is this a time to recognize how far you’ve come and to honor what helped you get here?
Is this a time to reconnect with who or what you’ve lost, perhaps finding new ways to continue those bonds?
Is it time to simply ground in the present, noticing and allowing whatever it is that you’re feeling? If it’s been a while since you’ve checked in, may this be a gentle reminder to connect with yourself and see what may be asking for your attention.
If you’d like support with your grief as we enter another year, I have openings for new clients. I can help you navigate the choppy waters of grief and learn new ways of living alongside your pain. Visit here to learn more.
