When is the “Right” time to do Grief Work?

As this first quarter of 2023 comes to a close, I’m reflecting on the wide range of people who’ve worked with me one-on-one, who’ve shared their stories at Grief Snack Club, and who’ve sent me messages about their experience of loss.

In this community there are people who’ve lost spouses, children, parents, friends, siblings, pets, and partners.

There are those whose losses happened only weeks or months ago, and there are those whose loss occurred decades ago.

There are those who have already lost someone they love, and there are those who are living with the agony of knowing that a loss is likely coming soon.

And what strikes me about each of them is that they have the courage to say, “I’m going to turn toward this pain.”

Let me tell you - I know that is an incredibly hard thing to do. Even knowing all that I know about grief, I’m not immune to feeling my grief bubbling up and then doing my best to push it away. 

And why wouldn’t I (and why wouldn’t you)? Culturally we’re taught to bypass our uncomfortable feelings, to pretend, and to move on. Not only are we taught that grief isn’t a place to stay, but we aren't even given the space or the tools that we need to pay it a visit.

And yet, for all of that, here is one thing I know to be true: when grief is not felt and experienced, it will find other means of expression. Like any other emotion, it will call for a way out. What that looks like will be different for each person (and I won’t be alarmist by listing out some of those means of expression here), but I think we all know that our grief can’t be pushed away forever.

When we turn away from our grief, we pay a price.

If you’re wondering if it’s the “right” time to turn toward your grief, then the answer is yes. Yes if your loss is recent. Yes if your loss was decades ago. Yes whether your loss was your dog or your spouse or your belief that things will always work out in the end.

You’re not going to wake up one day and say, “I now have everything that I need to give this my attention.” No one ever feels fully ready to turn toward their grief. It’s never going to feel totally comfortable to give your grief some room, but if you feel it tugging at you, I encourage you to give it the space it’s asking for.

You can do that in whatever ways feel right to you: journal it out, put on a song and have a cry, revisit photos of the ones you’ve loved and lost, talk to a trusted person, or just sit and let the feelings bubble up as they need to.

Grief may not always be a place to stay forever, but sometimes it’s a place where we need to hang out for a while. And scary as that might seem, the more time we spend there, the less scary it can become. Our eyes adjust to the darkness. The terrain becomes more familiar. We learn, in some ways, how to call it home.

If you’d like a supportive space in which you can visit and explore your grief, I encourage you to visit here to learn more about working with me.

As always, take gentle care of yourself.