Why It Makes Sense That Nothing Makes Sense

Last year I read Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking, and I took a photo of this quote, which I recently came across again on my phone:

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe their husband is about to return and need his shoes.

Grief has a way of taking everything that is sensical and logical and making it completely obsolete. We can literally feel like we are out of our minds.

Understanding what is happening in your brain can help you understand some of your grief responses. Most of us are familiar with the idea that our brains develop neural pathways - connections or roadways between different parts of the brain that are formed over time in response to repeated behaviors and patterns. The more often we have a thought or engage in a behavior, the deeper and more established that pathway becomes in the brain, often leading to habitual or automatic responses.

Now imagine that your brain has been used to making your husband a cup of coffee every morning for 40 years, or texting funny memes to a friend every day for the last decade, or calling your grandmother every Sunday. When a person we love dies, those tasks no longer become possible. But the neural pathways in our brain - sometimes developed over decades - remain just as strong and habitual. Even when a person dies, your brain is still following those deeply ingrained routes.

When you think about it this way, it makes sense that you would still grab the extra cup from the cabinet, or pick up your phone several times a day, or feel the urge to call your grandmother on a Sunday. The world has changed, but your brain hasn’t caught up yet. After years and years of getting the same signals, your brain needs a lot of time - often in the form of repeated new information - to get the message that something has changed and that the road it’s been traveling is no longer passable.

On top of that, your brain is often dealing with continual floods of stress hormones, lack of sleep, disrupted routines, and intense emotions. Given all that your brain is trying to understand and process, it makes sense that you might be someone who believes their deceased husband is about to return and need his shoes.

Over time, your brain will take in new information. It will gather data that helps it build new pathways. It will start to remember that you can’t send that funny meme to your brother, and it will start to notice that you are sending memes to a friend instead. It will start to see how the world has rearranged and build new pathways accordingly.

Until then, know that it makes sense that things don’t make sense. You aren’t out of your mind; you have a brain that is following old pathways and that needs time to help new ones form. And even as new ones form, many will remain - the ones that remember your loved one, that feel a connection to them, and that carry your memories and your love. Your brain will keep those deep and precious pathways, and you will reinforce and strengthen them every time you continue those connections and invite in the memory of those you’ve loved and lost.

As always, be gentle with yourself.