Feeling Annoyed By Someone Else’s Grief
I don’t have a smooth intro into this week’s subject, so I’m going to cut right to it: let’s talk about what might be happening when someone else’s grief angers or annoys you.
I know - uncomfortable territory. But it happens, more often than most of us would like to admit.
It might look like feeling annoyed that someone is beside themselves when they’ve lost their 95-year-old grandmother when you’ve lost someone who had a lot less time.
It might mean feeling tired of listening to someone else’s grief experience even though you’ve been there, or finding that you’re having a hard time feeling compassion when someone talks to you about their divorce or job loss when your loss involved a death.
It can be really easy to descend into a shame spiral with this one. I of all people know how hard loss is. I want to do the right thing and show up with compassion. How can I possibly be feeling annoyed, angry, or resentful when I know how painful loss can be?
If you’ve felt this way, you are not a terrible person. I repeat: You are not a terrible person. You are human, and humans have feelings. They are neither good nor bad; they simply are. But if you want to better understand yourself so you can show up differently in your relationships, it helps to know what information your emotions might be giving you.
First, a HUGE caveat: There is never a one-size-fits all answer to grief or to emotional responses (or to humans, for that matter). As with all things I share here, take what resonates and leave the rest.
Having said that, anger, resentment, or irritation around someone else’s expression of grief could be a sign that your own loss is calling for more witnessing and support. These emotions can often be a signal that your own needs aren’t being met.
And honestly? It’s entirely possible that your needs haven’t been met. In our grief-illiterate culture, our pain often isn’t witnessed in the ways that we need it be, especially over the long-term. Support and compassion can (consciously or unconsciously) start to feel like a finite resource.
Think about love - it’s hard to give love if we don’t feel loved ourselves, or if we feel like there isn’t enough love to go around. Our relationship to grief can look the same way; it can be hard to show up with compassion for others when we feel like our own pain isn’t getting enough witnessing and support.
(Also an important reminder here: Loss is not limited to death. What grief might you be carrying that needs more witnessing or expression?)
When you find yourself feeling irritation, resentment, or anger toward someone else’s grief, you might ask: What is this telling me about what I need right now?
Maybe you need to let someone know that you’re not okay and that you could use support. Maybe you need someone to listen, or you need to journal it out, or you need to remind the people in your life that your grief is still ever-present even though it’s been months or years since your loss.
Despite what our culture would lead us to believe, compassion is not a finite resource. We can ask for the compassion and support that we need while also offering it to others. Part of changing the culture around grief means being honest about what we need, and part of knowing what we need means paying attention to our emotional responses and the information that they give us. Honestly ask yourself, What is this telling me about what I need right now?, listen with curiosity for the answer, and explore where you might get those needs met.
And if you know that you have unmet needs in your grief but you don’t know where to turn or how to ask, you are absolutely not alone. Visit here to learn more about working with me.
