Grappling with Grief and Gratitude

Grievers are often plagued with so many “shoulds.”

I should feel sadder than I do.

I should feel happier than I do.

I should feel something other than nothing.

I shouldn’t feel relieved.

I should have told him I loved him more.

I should answer all those unanswered texts.

I should finally give away her clothes.

I should get it together.

I should focus on what’s good.

In this season of thanksgiving, the pressure to feel grateful can feel like one more should.

Even if you haven’t experienced a recent loss, there are a lot of reasons that gratitude might feel complicated. Our season of thankfulness is an extension of a holiday that represents a painful history of violence, colonization, and oppression. On top of that, it’s a heartbreaking and terrifying time for many people. It makes perfect sense that gratitude may not be at the top of your feelings list, regardless of what the calendar says.

And yet. .  any pop psychology article headline will tell you that practicing gratitude is good for your emotional and mental well-being. Those headlines aren’t wrong.

What’s a grieving person to do?

If the thought of being grateful is more than you can stomach right now. . . 

That makes so much sense. One of the first things we tend to do in the face of loss is try to get people to focus on being thankful - for happy memories, for all the love that we shared with our person, for all that we still have left. We offer up gratitude to each other as though that is all we need to move through our pain.

If you aren’t feeling grateful, you aren’t obligated to feel that. You don’t have to try and bypass your pain or force yourself into the land of happy memories. You are allowed to feel however you feel in your grief - heartbroken, angry, anxious, jealous - without forcing yourself to manufacture gratitude. 

Gratitude may not be accessible to you right now; that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. If today (or next Thursday) is not your day to bask in gratitude, that doesn’t make you ungrateful.

If you want to make space for gratitude, but you’re finding it hard to do. . . .

That also makes so much sense. Leaning into gratitude can leave us feeling as though we’re not fully honoring our loss, while allowing the fullness of our grief can leave us feeling as though we aren’t thankful for what we do have in our lives.

When we see grief and gratitude as being opposite energies, it makes it difficult to allow space for them both. I invite you to see them as neutral parties, coexisting, without attaching meaning to what the presence of one means for the other. What might it look like if your grief and gratitude sat side by side, simply breathing in the same space? 

One practice to help bring gratitude and grief together is to shift the language. Instead of using the word “but” (which is the default far more than you might realize), try intentionally using the word “and.”

I miss them so much, and I’m grateful to have so many wonderful memories.

I wish it had never happened, and I feel supported and loved in this moment.

Replacing “but” with “and” helps create some space for grief and gratitude to coexist.

However this season finds you, pay attention to when you’re “shoulding” yourself. One of the kindest things you can do when you’re grieving is to meet yourself, moment by moment, and simply allow yourself to feel what you feel, regardless of what the calendar says.

As always, take gentle care of yourself.