How Grief Affects the Body & Mind

So. . . how’s it feeling for you as we move into the holiday season?

I’ll be the first to say that it’s rough going over here. Frankly, my Thanksgiving was awful. It was the first one since my sister died, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I expected to feel sad and to not feel celebratory. I expected to want to get through the day and let that be enough. 

What I did not expect was intense fatigue and full body aches - everything from a hurting back to achy joints to legs so sore I could barely stand. I spent most of the day in bed, showing up only for the meal. I didn’t even come down later for pie (and believe me, I never miss pie).

Had I not known better, I would have thought I had the flu or COVID. But I was familiar with what I was feeling. It was the same way I felt for weeks and weeks after my sister died. 

It wasn’t illness. It was grief.

There’s so much about grief that no one tells us, including how much it impacts every piece of our being. I never knew, until I lived it, that grief is a full body experience. It takes over our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirit in ways that we likely aren’t prepared for and that we may not recognize.

Here are just some of the ways that grief can show up in the body and mind:

• Changes in respiration, blood pressure, and heart rate

• Muscle pain, chest pain, joint pain, and headaches

• Fatigue, difficulties with sleep, and not feeling rested even after sleeping

• Digestive problems, weight gain or weight loss 

• A suppressed immune system and more susceptibility to illness and allergies

• Shortness of breath, feeling shaky, increased anxiety, and an inability to sit still

• Brain fog, confusion, memory problems, and difficulty concentrating

If you’re feeling exhausted right now, it’s no wonder. Take a look again at all the ways grief may be impacting your system. (And now take a moment to give yourself a little love as you somehow make your way through this impossible thing.)

You might imagine that some of these symptoms occur in the weeks or months after a loss, but the truth is that it’s common and perfectly normal for these to last for months or even years. You may find that they are persistent or that they come and go, and you may find that they become more intense in situations when your grief is activated.

I tell you this to remind you that some of these symptoms may become more present for you as we enter the holiday season. The holidays tend to put grief into full effect, highlighting all the people that we’re missing, all the changed rituals and traditions, and all the ways that our world will never be the same.

It can be easy to chalk up our exhaustion and sleepless nights to the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but remember - it may also be grief. Sometimes it helps just to understand why we are feeling the way we are feeling. (And also - very important point - if you are experiencing physical symptoms that are persistent and/or significantly impacting you, always seek out a health professional. It’s important to rule out any medical cause and to get support with managing your symptoms.)

I’d love to give some magic recipe for managing the mind and body symptoms of grief, but as with every aspect of grief, there are no quick fixes. Here are a few things I can recommend:

1. Rest, rest, rest.

2. Adjust your plans and expectations to leave more room for - you guessed it - rest.

3. Stay well hydrated. Make that water bottle your BFF.

4. As much as you can, eat nutritious foods. Small meals and light snacks sometimes feel easier to manage than bigger meals.

5. Move your body; keep it gentle if that feels best. Things like brief walks and light stretching can have a big impact.

You are doing an impossibly hard thing at an especially difficult time. Take gentle care of yourself. Pay attention to what your body needs, rest when you can, and know you aren’t alone.