Managing the Holidays while Grieving

With Thanksgiving and Native American Heritage Day ahead for most of us, Transgender Remembrance Day just behind us, and this weekend’s gun violence in Colorado Springs, there are many opportunities for grief to pay a visit. As we begin a week that may feel tender on many fronts, here are a few of my thoughts and reminders for managing the holidays when you are living with grief:

You are allowed to lean into your grief. You are also allowed to lean out of it. It can be easy to feel guilty when you’re celebrating and enjoying yourself, but the truth is that you simply can’t be 100% present to your grief all of the time. It’s okay if you want to lean out for a bit and enjoy the holidays. It’s also okay if you aren’t feel celebratory at all and want to lean in.

You are allowed to live in the “and.” You are allowed to live in grief and gratitude, pain and joy, confusion and certainty, despair and hope. Our hearts are capable of holding multiple truths. Don’t feel like you have to choose.

You are allowed to make a plan that feels good for you, and you are allowed to change your mind. Lean into what you think you might need, and know that once you get there, you may feel differently. Give yourself permission to change plans, to do something different, and to turn your yes into a no (or your no into a yes).

You are allowed to continue old traditions. You are also allowed to make new ones. It may feel good to do the things that you’ve always done, and to do so in memory of the ones you are missing. It may also feel too painful to do that, and you may decide to do something entirely new. Either (or both) are okay, and what you choose to do this year doesn’t mean you can’t do something different next year.

You are allowed to grieve in your own way while also honoring others’ ways of grieving. Different styles of grieving can lead to isolation and conflict when multiple people are grieving the same loss in different ways. You are allowed to express (or not express) your grief in your own way, and remember that just because someone else’s grief doesn’t look like yours doesn’t mean they don’t share your pain.

You are allowed to create safety for yourself. Think about who or what helps you feel safe, and have that space available or that person on call if you need to step away. If things become too much, where can you retreat to? If you need a friend, who can you have on call? If you need soothing, how can you offer yourself comfort?

You can’t do grief wrong. Living with grief is one giant experiment in being present to how you’re feeling, honoring whatever comes up, and leaning into whatever makes grief just a little more bearable. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you can’t do this wrong.

Grief is lonely, but you are not alone in feeling the pain of loss. As the holiday season becomes well underway for many of us this week, my tender heart sends much love to yours.