Living in Two Different Worlds

If some of you were just trying to make it through Valentine’s Day yesterday (avoiding social media, retreating to bed with snacks, and watching the trashiest of trash TV), I see you. I hope that you were able to treat yourself gently and to approach the day in whatever ways felt right for you.

Today I’d like to talk about something that is common in grief, which is the feeling that you’re constantly bouncing between the world of your loss and the “normal,” everyday world. The feeling of living in two different worlds is a feeling that many grievers know well.

You cry in your car during your morning commute, and then you wipe your tears and start answering emails.

You have an amazing, heart-filling brunch with friends in the morning, and then you spend the afternoon unable to get out of bed.

You sort through a box of your loved one’s belongings, and then you distract yourself by re-watching episodes of “The Office” for hours.

You spend Valentine’s Day annoyed with the world, and then your dog snuggles up next to you, and you feel so grateful to be here.

It can be exhausting and disorienting bouncing between the “everyday” world and the world of your loss, and yet, this is a normal part of grieving. Learning how to live in both worlds is one of the things that grief asks of us.

The dual process model of coping with bereavement, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, gives us a visual of this experience. In this model, we oscillate between confronting our grief and avoiding it, between loss and restoration, between adapting to change and refusing to accept it.

(If this feels like a lot or makes you feel tired, it is a lot. Have I mentioned that grief can be exhausting?) 

While this bouncing between worlds can seem daunting, it’s a normal and healthy part of the grieving experience. You can’t – and shouldn’t – be fully present to your grief 100% of the time. 

All the things we do to distract ourselves and to take care of the everyday tasks of life play a supportive role in our grief. They help us take a break from the demands of grief, find connection and meaning, and reorient our lives and identities around our loss. While it’s important that we also tend to our grief and our pain, this doesn’t mean that we need to be constantly staring into the face of our loss.

Over time, the shift between worlds feels less overwhelming. The oscillation continues, but it softens. It feels less like being jerked between two universes and more like drifting between them.

If you sometimes feel like you’re living in two different worlds, in many ways, you are. Allow yourself to inhabit both lands, trusting that you’ll figure out how to navigate the terrain between them in ways that feel right for you.

As always, take gentle care of yourself.