The Dreaded Grief Bursts
Here’s a scenario that I suspect many of you will find familiar. . .
You’re at the grocery store. It’s a typical weekday, and it’s been a decent week overall. You’ve been hanging in there, perhaps even beginning to believe that maybe, one day, life is going to be okay.
You’re mulling over produce, feeling like you might actually make it to the end of this shopping trip without crying, when Coldplay’s “Fix You” begins to play over the loudspeaker.
And then, all of the sudden, everything is not okay. A feeling of panic comes on. Your chest becomes tight, your stomach drops, and the familiar sensation of tears comes rushing behind your eyes.
You try not to listen to the lyrics (Tears stream down your face, When you lose something you cannot replace. . . I will try to fix you) as you scramble to get the last of your items into the cart and rush to checkout.
You manage to make it to the car before you really start to ugly cry.
This grocery store scenario happened to me. Odds are good that something similar has happened to you.
We often speak of grief in waves, but when grief comes at you like this —in a sudden, unexpected, and overwhelming way — it is sometimes referred to as a grief burst.
Grief bursts typically catch you by surprise; you think you’re having a relatively good day, and then out of the blue you find yourself crying during a work meeting or feeling overcome with anxiety in the cereal aisle.
Grief bursts usually happen during times and in places where you don’t want to show your grief: at work, at a party, at the grocery store.
Grief bursts are normal and common, but their unpredictability can be unsettling. They often come on when something in your environment activates your grief: something like unexpectedly hearing a song that reminds you of your person, catching the scent of the perfume your person used to wear, or passing a place that you used to visit together.
When grief bursts happen, they can feel overwhelming. You might feel panicked or trapped, feel flooded by emotion, and/or find yourself unable to focus or continue with tasks.
Here are a few things you can do to help manage grief bursts:
Name it. Literally say to yourself, “This is a grief burst. It will pass. I can take care of myself through this.” This helps your brain make sense of what is happening, which can reduce feelings of panic.
Ground in the present. Engage your senses: notice the feeling of the ground beneath your feet; count the number of blue objects that you can see; rub your hands together and feel the friction and warmth.
Change your environment. If you can, move yourself to a safer space. Head for the bathroom, step outside for some air, or take a few minutes alone in your car.
Allow your feelings. As soon as you are in a space where you feel safe to do so, give those feelings room. If that feels too scary, remind yourself again: “This is a grief burst. It will pass. I can take care of myself through this.”
Have a plan for who you can connect with. Talk ahead with a trusted friend or two who is willing to be there for you (code word: grief burst!). Just hearing the steadiness of another voice or knowing that someone is holding space for you can help ground you through the overwhelm of the moment.
Grief bursts are not limited to the early weeks and months of grief. They can take you by surprise anytime, even years after your loss, and often you can’t predict what might bring them on. Knowing in advance what might feel helpful can reduce some of the overwhelm and panic.
There’s no way to fully avoid grief bursts. Still, I can’t help but hope that one day “Fix You” will be permanently removed from every grocery store playlist (it’s a beautiful song, but why oh why in the cereal aisle?!?).
As always, take gentle care of yourself.
