On Grief and Gratitude: Part 2

Welcome to part two of a three-part series on gratitude and grief. If you missed part one, which reminds you that you aren’t obligated to feel grateful in your grief, you can visit here to get caught up.

This week I’d like to talk about the coexistence of grief and gratitude. Allowing ourselves to feel gratitude as it arises can be powerful and healing, but it can also feel complicated. When we think about grief and gratitude, it helps to be mindful of how they’re showing up in relationship to each other.

We have a tendency to assume that grief and gratitude are on opposite ends of the spectrum. You can see this in how we often express gratitude in the midst of loss, which tends to sound like this:

I’m sad that she’s gone, but I’m glad that she’s not suffering anymore.

I miss them so much, but I’m lucky to have so many wonderful memories.

I wish it had never happened, but I have so much love in my life and so much to be grateful for.

The word “but” is telling – it demonstrates how we set up grief and gratitude as opposing energies, and it also illustrates how we might use gratitude as a way to tip the scales in the direction of neutralizing our pain.

Viewing grief and gratitude as opposites creates a confusing experience for us internally. On the one hand, leaning into gratitude can leave us feeling as though we’re not fully honoring our loss. On the other, honoring our grief can make us feel as though we aren’t thankful for what we do have in our lives.

When we see grief and gratitude as being opposite sides of the coin, it makes it difficult to allow space for them both.

Instead, I’d like to invite you to see them as neutral parties coexisting together. What might it look like if your grief and gratitude sat side by side, simply breathing in the same space? What might it look like to give them room without attaching meaning to what the presence of one means for the other?

One practice to help bring gratitude and grief together in an intentional way is to shift the language. Instead of using the word “but” (which is the default far more than you might realize), try intentionally using the word “and.”

I’m sad that she’s gone, and I’m glad that she’s not suffering anymore.

I miss them so much, and I’m lucky to have so many wonderful memories.

I wish it had never happened, and I have so much love in my life and so much to be grateful for.

It sounds simple, but language matters. Replacing “but” with “and” helps send a signal to our brain that there is a place for our grief, and there is a place for our gratitude.

However your grief and gratitude show up today, this is my reminder that your heart is capable of holding complicated truths. Your gratitude doesn’t lessen the pain of your loss, and the heartbreak of your loss doesn’t mean you don’t feel grateful. Lean into the truth of “and,” and notice how that helps dissipate the tension between the two and how it creates more room for both to exist.

As always, take gentle care of yourself.