On Grief and Gratitude: Part 3

Cultivating gratitude when you’re in the midst of grief is messy at best (this is also my reminder that you aren’t obligated to feel grateful; for more on that, read here).

Leaning into the beauty of a sunset, the joy of a celebration, or the anticipation of an upcoming vacation can feel complicated because your person isn’t here to share it. Even the best moments can feel bittersweet. Gratitude can be so tangled up with our pain.

Even when we want to lean into gratitude, it can be hard to do so in ways that don’t feel forced. Sometimes it takes energy we don’t have, or it can feel rote and hollow. Sometimes it can send us down a rabbit hole of emotions we don’t feel ready to hold.

Grief and gratitude live alongside each other, but what does that look like in practice? Here’s one place that you might be able to start.

Instead of asking what you’re thankful for, try this: 

Who would you like to thank, and what would you like to thank them for?

Here’s why I love these questions.

Thinking about what we’re grateful for can sometimes feel like a laundry list of things on repeat (e.g., family, friends, good health, food, hot water, etc.).

But who, and how? These elicit totally different responses.

Who reminds you who has showed up for you, and how they have supported you. Who helps you imagine the safety net of love that is available to you.

Who reminds you of that even though it’s easy to feel alone, your support might be closer than you think.

And thinking about who can lead you into how. Reflecting on how people in your life have supported you gives you a clearer picture of who you might rely on for different kinds of support (e.g., the friend you can cry with, the one who will distract you when you don’t want to talk about it, the one who will quietly drop off soup at your door).

Take a moment to imagine what it might feel like to reflect on who has shown up for you and how they have loved you through an impossible time. Can you feel how you might experience that differently than a simple list? This kind of gratitude can have a powerful impact.

If you’re looking for a tangible way to practice gratitude, you might use this reflection as an opportunity to express your thanks through a letter or a phone call. That appreciation is likely to feel meaningful for both you and the receiver. 

But if that doesn’t feel doable right now, simply take a moment to feel that gratitude and imagine sending it their way. Trust that that is enough for the moment. In the best of worlds, they will feel it. And no matter how it is (or isn’t) received, it will do something for you too.

As always, take gentle care of yourself.