Responding to Unhelpful Support
Nearly everyone who’s coping with loss has been subjected to a comment, question, or piece of advice that was insensitive, clueless, or just plain nosy.
You know the ones. They may sound a little something like this:
How long are you going to keep his clothes?
She had lung cancer - did she smoke?
Have they done an autopsy?
Come to this party with me. You’ll feel better!
When you’re grieving, these questions and comments are not only unhelpful, but they’re also exhausting. You’re already dealing with the pain of your loss, brain fog, lack of sleep, disrupted routines, shifting roles, loneliness, endless paperwork, etc. etc.
There’s so little of your brainspace that’s available for skillfully handling people’s unhelpful advice or nosy questions. This is where scripts come in.
A script is, put most simply, a plan for what you’re going to say. It can help soothe the part of you that’s worried about how to respond, and it can help you feel more empowered to communicate your needs. It can take away some of that “deer in headlights” feeling when you’re faced with unwelcome questions or comments.
This particular script is one that I learned from grief expert Megan Devine, and it goes something like this:
Acknowledge the person’s concern*
State your boundary
Move the conversation in another direction
*Step one is optional. Most people are well-intentioned and coming from a place of care, but you aren’t obligated to acknowledge that if it doesn’t feel that way to you.
Here are some examples of what this might look like:
I hear your concern, and I know how much you care, but I’m going to do this in the way that feels right for me. I’d love to talk about something else (and then change the subject).
I don’t feel comfortable discussing that, but I do love talking about my mom. Do you have any stories about her that you could share with me?
Thank you for including me, but I’m not able to attend. Could we go for a walk together sometime soon?
On the surface, scripts can feel a bit basic and robotic. But in the moment, they can be helpful. Thinking ahead about how you want to respond can help you feel better prepared to engage in social situations, to respond to unhelpful support, and to feel a little more in control of your grief experience.
Take a moment to think about some key phrases that you may want to use when you’re faced with unhelpful comments or questions. Write them down and become familiar with them so they’re ready for you when you need them.
Next time you’re faced with unhelpful comments or questions, you can mentally pull out one of your scripts to redirect the conversation.
