Square One of the Change Cycle

Photo by Carolina Pimenta on Unsplash

Last week I introduced you to Martha Beck’s cycle of change (if you missed the post, you can catch up here). Understanding where you are in this cycle can help you settle into change with more peace and clarity. I’m going to introduce you to each of the four squares of change, starting today with the one we often dread the most: square one.

Square one is where we find ourselves following a catalytic event that shakes up our sense of self. This might be a welcome change (like a move to a new city or becoming a parent) or an uninvited one (like a job loss or a death). It can also come as an internal change, such as when we start to feel like our old identities and ways of being no longer fit.

Square one is where most people find themselves when they come to me for coaching. It also happens to be the phase that I’ve been living in for months since my sister died in December. (That’s right - square one can last for months. Or years! But don’t worry, there’s hope.)

Square one is HARD. It’s painful, it’s confusing, and it often feels like it might never end. When something happens that strips away our old identity, we can feel our world dissolving. It’s a confusing, disorienting time - and often one that is filled with grief (grief that frequently goes unacknowledged; even “good” changes mean a loss of something).

Being the creatures that we are, most of us try to pretend square one isn’t happening. We march ahead, bypass our feelings, panic, try to cling to our old identities, and/or fling ourselves headfirst into the next new and shiny thing.

All of which, I’m sorry to tell you, only makes square one longer and more painful.

If you’re finding yourself in square one, feeling lost and confused with no clear next steps in sight, here are some strategies for making your way through:

• Take things one day (or one hour) at a time.

• “Cocoon” and take care of yourself, especially in physical ways like cuddling up in a blanket or drinking warm tea.

• Feel your feelings - especially your feelings of loss.

• Seek support from a trusted friend, a therapist, or a coach who is willing to hold space for your struggle without trying to fix it for you.

• Accept that this phase is a waiting game. Be patient, trust yourself, and trust the process. You can’t fight or “do” your way out of square one (I know - sorry, friends).

Martha Beck’s mantra for getting yourself through square one? I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.

Square one is the hardest one for most of us to accept, because we hate waiting for things to get better. We aren’t prepared for this phase of change that asks us to feel our feelings, to trust, and to wait.

But as someone who’s been in square one for months, I can tell you that knowing that you’re in square one can bring a sense of peace. For me, there is freedom in knowing that there’s not a damn thing to do except wait, trust the process, and take care of myself. It lets me rest. It lets me breathe. It lets me trust that my instinct to cuddle up and cocoon is exactly the right thing to do.

Because one day? Some little glimmers of hope will begin to appear. Life “after” will start to feel possible. Square two - the time of dreaming and scheming - is on its way. Stay tuned for my next post on Thursday when I’ll tell you all about it!

Have questions? Finding yourself in square one and looking for support? You can connect with me here.