Understanding the Cycle Of Change
Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash
This week I connected with birth parents at Adoptions from the Heart to present a workshop about understanding the cycle of change (in case you missed it, you can learn more about my partnership with Adoptions from the Heart here).
It reminded me what a relief it can be to understand how change really works - especially when we can so easily get trapped in comparison, in expecting life to move in a straight line, or in feeling as though we should have things figured out already.
Change is messy. It’s complicated and uncomfortable, even when we make changes of our own choosing. And when we get sucker punched with a change we weren’t expecting - like a death, a job loss, the end of a relationship, or a worldwide pandemic - understanding where we are in the cycle of change can help us get our bearings.
To that end, I’d like to introduce you to Dr. Martha Beck’s cycle of change, which goes a little something like this:
Square One: An event (sometimes internal, sometimes external) catapults you into change. You feel your identity dissolving or shifting, but you don’t know where you’re headed. You may feel lost, stuck, or confused. Life feels scary and uncertain; you have no idea what to do next.
Square Two: Little glimmers of hope start to emerge. Life “after” starts to feel possible. You find yourself dreaming and making plans. Your new identity is slowly beginning to take shape.
Square Three: This is when you take actionable steps to make your dreams a reality. Square three is where the rubber hits the road - and the ride is never as smooth as you anticipated.
Square Four: Martha Beck calls this “The Promised Land.” This is where life feels good and where your identity feels more solid and settled. You take small steps to make life more pleasurable, and if you are wise, you accept that another change will most certainly be coming (which - you guessed it - will send you back to square one).
It can be game-changing to understand where you are in this cycle (particularly when you are in the bumpy parts). Over the next two weeks I’m going to introduce you to each of the four squares of change - how to recognize when you’re in each phase, and how you can care for yourself during each step of the journey. Keep an eye on your inbox; the first email will be coming Tuesday.
For now? This is my reminder to you that you aren’t doing change wrong.
If you feel like you’re going in circles, that’s exactly how change works. If you feel like you’re constantly going back to square one, that can actually mean that you’re doing things right. We are not trains on a track - we don’t move in straight and predictable lines. Getting kicked back doesn’t mean that we’re failing; it means that we’re trying. Give yourself all the grace you can, be patient with yourself, and stay tuned to learn strategies for coping with change no matter what stage you’re in.
As always, I’m rooting for you!
